What Do I Mean When I Say "Inner Voice"?
If you follow my stuff, you know I talk a lot about our “inner voice”. I’ve been aware of mine for as long as I can remember. I didn’t always understand exactly where it came from or its purpose, but my awareness of it did allow me to use it (sometimes to my advantage and other times to my detriment). Over time, I learned to tune into it more and more. I now know just how important a positive inner voice is for our overall mental health. What we hear our inner voice say matters. And because we’ll hear it every day for the rest of our lives, it’s crucial to manage and control it . . . so it doesn’t control you.
Your inner voice is the one that comes from within. The voice you hear inside your head. You know, the one that talks allllllll day and rarely shuts up? I don’t know about yours, but mine has a lot of personalities. A lot of opinions. One day she says, “You’re looking hot, girl!” And the next she’s telling me, “Ugh. Why can’t your lips be bigger? Why haven’t you gotten them done?” She lifts me up and then she tears me down. Why is that??
Let me explain. There are 2 parts to the inner voice—your Inner Bestie and Inner Bully. The Inner Bestie is your authentic inner voice. She’s the one you’re born with. She’s your truth teller, cheerleader, and best friend. She’s kind, loving, supportive, considerate, and optimistic. She thinks you’re amazing (because you are and she knows what’s up). The Inner Bully is your imitation inner voice. She was created over time from your experiences with people, situations, and societal standards. She’s mean, critical, discouraging, overbearing, and pessimistic. She’s a real bitch. Sometimes, I’ll address mine as such.
The Inner Bestie is the voice you somehow unlearn along the way. When you’re a child, you’re confident—everything about you is perfect just the way it is. It’s not until someone makes you aware of the size of your lips do you begin to question if they should be bigger. The more exposure you get to other people’s opinions and societal standards, the quieter your Inner Bestie gets. The Inner Bully is the voice that you pick up and learn along the way. Young girls don’t begin to think they aren’t enough until something (or someone) in the external world happens to them, like rejection. The more exposure you get to other people’s opinions and societal standards, the louder your Inner Bully gets.
So here we are . . . out in the world with quiet Inner Besties and loud ass Inner Bullies. No wonder we’re so hard on ourselves! People are walking around listening to this critical voice reminding them of all the ways they aren’t enough and could be better. How does this affect them? In more ways than you know. Below are a few examples. It can make them:
feel like shit
compare themselves to others
spiral in anxiety and depression
become a perfectionist
constantly want to escape from reality
fake being someone they’re not
treat others like shit
this list can go on and on.
If they’re spending SO much time focusing on everything that’s wrong with them, when are they celebrating anything that’s wonderful?? Probably rarely to never. THIS is why it’s crucial to be aware of and manage the inner voice.
Because your Inner Bully is a voice that has taken years to form (and has probably had free reign of your mind), it will take time to deconstruct. And because your Inner Bestie has spent a while out of the spotlight, it will take time to build her back up. But she’s in there . . . she’s always been in there somewhere. While this may not seem possible, trust me when I tell you it is. It’s actually one of the best tools I have in my arsenal. On most days, my Inner Bestie is front and center. She’s cheering me on, keeping me motivated, and reminding me what a beautiful badass I am. My Inner Bully is still there (she’ll always be around), but my Inner Bestie keeps that bitch in check. Believe that.
Managing the inner voice is one of the foundations of my Coaching practice and I can tell you that every Client’s journey with it looks a differently . . . but they all start with awareness. You must be aware that you have an inner voice. Listen to her. Notice there are two separate parts—a supportive one that needs to speak up and a critical one that needs to be silenced. Before now, you may not have been aware of this, so your Inner Bully has been taking over. It just happened so it was kinda out of your control. But now that you are aware, it can be different. You cannot change what your inner voice says when she initially comes up, but you can change what she says after you become aware of her. Awareness gives you control because you now have a choice of what happens. For example, you can choose to allow your Inner Bully to beat you up or you can tell her to back off and allow your Inner Bestie to come to your defense.
First comes awareness, then comes acceptance. Let me share with you what my acceptance looks like:
She’s never going away. She will always be here with me . . . juuuuust talking. So listening to, understanding, and managing her is non-negotiable.
She’s not always right. How can she be right when her opinions are all across the board? She’s constantly changing her mind and backtracking. And I know from experience . . . she's wrong a lot.
She’s not in charge. I am. She doesn't run the show. I do. I get to choose what I think, what I say, and what I feel about myself. She’s just there to offer suggestions. I don’t have to listen to her.
This is how I started the process of becoming better acquainted with my inner voice: practicing awareness and acceptance. These days we’re thick as thieves and have a great working relationship. I look at my inner voice as my friend, my assistant, and my teammate. She is a PART of me, but she is not me. I make it a point to talk to myself all the time so the dialogue between me and my inner voice is always open. This allows me to be more in control. Managing the conversation upstairs keeps it upbeat and positive so my negative chatter doesn't take over for too long. However, I know that negative chatter will still come. And when it does, I get to decide what to do with it. Do I let it run for a bit so I can process it? Do I challenge it or replace it? Or do I use it for motivation? It’s a choice I have to make over and over again every single day. But the best part? The choice is always mine.