Do You Want to Heal From Sexual Trauma? Here 's What I Did To Get Started.
This blog has taken me a long time to write. (Hell, it took me YEARS to finally address my personal experience with the topic of sexual trauma). I’ve had it written for months, but I’ve been hesitant about posting it. Not because I’m embarrassed, but because it’s SUPER personal. I write my blogs not only because they’re therapeutic, but in hopes they will help or inspire one person. With my little boy almost here, it seems like the right time to put this out there. I want it off my plate. It’s reminded me how important it will be for me to speak candidly with him about this to lessen any chance that he encounters it himself.
I’m no expert on sexual trauma, but I am an expert on my experience with it. I’m not writing about the details of my situations because 1.) it’s private 2.) I don’t want to focus on that part of it. I want it to be empowering, not a “woe is me” ordeal. I am no longer a victim . . . I am a survivor. It’s also important to point out that I am not unique to the vast world of sexual assault . . . just a woman who decided to take her power back and heal. So that’s the tone I want to set.
Let’s start from the top. I’ve had 3 moments in my life where I was taken advantage of sexually. In all 3, I was completely powerless. Thankfully, I woke up right as the second asshole was about to go all the way so it wasn’t as horrible as the other 2. Sadly, that doesn’t make it any less traumatizing. In all 3 situations, I was under the influence of a substance(s). HOWEVER, it’s crucial for you to know that not all of them were knowingly consumed by me. This was how they were able to take advantage of me. And even though I know this is true, I STILL used that excuse to make it all my fault. I’ll tell you that’s a very heavy burden for a young 20-something year old girl to carry. We’ll convince ourselves of the craziest things to rationalize the reality of a disturbing situation.
As I’ve discussed many times before, I was a party girl so I also used that to justify it in my mind. “If you had not been there, partying, it would have never happened. You made bad decisions and you were careless. You should have been more attentive. It’s all your fault.” I told myself these things often. What you tell yourself, you will believe. I now know the part about it being my fault is bullshit. Obviously, a woman has to be careful while out and about because she’s always a target. However, she has every right to go to a party or bar and have a good time without a scallywag preying upon her. No one has the right to use drugs, manipulation, and force to have their way with someone. It was very clear that I was NOT in the right frame of mind to consent. But you see, this was their plan all along. They wanted me to be in that state of mind so I couldn’t consent.
I can say all of this with full confidence now, but it’s taken a lot of effort on my end. How did I get here? I’ll tell you. But first, I want to talk about alllll the years I just denied, ignored, and tried to forget. That’s very typical behavior for someone that goes through a traumatic event. It’s hard to make sense of it so the brain kicks in to block most of it (or all of it) out to protect you. I chose to further forget it because going back and reliving it was far too painful and guilt inducing. It was easier that way. But here’s the shit no one tells you: while taking the easy way out makes sense at the time, it will never fully go away until you address it.
For 15-ish years, I mostly kept it to myself—outside of a couple trusted people. During that time, I pushed it down whenever it came up. I was able to turn it off like a light switch. When it did come up with those trusted few, I was very matter of fact. It was basically like, “This happened (maybe I shared some details) and I don’t want to talk about it any further.” I can’t deny that sharing it with someone was beneficial, but I made sure to stop before I could feel too much. I had it shoved down so far that there wasn’t much that could trigger me. I love the show Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and I could watch episode after episode without even thinking about my situation. I was convinced that I had it under control.
Here’s the thing about personal development . . . to really commit to it, no stone can be left unturned. When I started to take a deep dive into all my bullshit, several things led me to address this. For example, it was inadvertently affecting my relationships. Let me explain. These men I allowed into my space (even for a small period of time) violated me sexually. Sexual assault is the ultimate betrayal. It traumatizes you on a very deep level. But your body doesn’t know the difference between one trauma and another so it perceives a lion chasing you and a panic attack as the same thing. So sexual betrayal from someone you barely know and an emotional betrayal from a trusted loved one can be perceived by your body as similar events. Unconsciously, it became my goal to prohibit any form of hurt or betrayal from happening ever again.
In order to protect myself fully, my masculine energy stepped in to provide armor. It was extremely difficult for me to be vulnerable with anyone. If I finally let my walls down with someone and they hurt me, I would immediately put my armor back on and ride off into the sunset. The relationship usually ended, most of the time abruptly. But to me, that was a win because they were no longer in the position to hurt me.
When I could no longer deny that it was time to slay this dragon, I figured the best first step was to let it all come up. This meant revisiting each scenario, reliving all the hazy details that I could remember, and allowing my heart to break. I knew I needed to FEEL all the emotions and fully embrace the hurt that I had been resisting. I did some of it in the safety of my own home and company. My therapist (she’s great if you need an introduction) also held the space for me to do this. Ugh. This part was a bitch, but it allowed me to process it all. I was sad. I was pissed. I was frustrated. I felt alllllll the emotions. It needed to happen so badly. Once I opened the floodgates, I was in it.
Revisiting it and then talking about it allowed the emotional processing to begin. But what I learned is that trauma is also held in the body. When you experience a traumatic event, your body prepares for a “fight or flight” response by producing stress hormones (such as cortisol and adrenaline). If you don’t have the opportunity to fight off your attacker or flee from the situation, your body “freezes”, thus holding on to all that energy. If that energy doesn’t discharge, your brain doesn’t get the signal that the threat is no longer present so it can reduce its levels of stress hormones. Even if it’s been years since the event took place, you must still find a way to release that energy.
My therapist suggested a book: Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine. Although less than 100 pages, it’s filled with different exercises that helped me release the energy my body had been hanging on to all those years. There were a few that really allowed me to let a lot of it go. For example, Phase 8—page 62. In addition, he explains trauma on a much deeper level. I highly recommend this book. He says, “Trauma is about loss of connection—to ourselves, to our bodies, to our families, to others, and to the world around us.” This made a lot of sense to me as I unpacked it all. Not addressing this in the appropriate manner after it first happened led me to be so disconnected without even realizing it.
Do you know what else releases energy from your body? Crying. The next thing I did not only released emotional and physical energy through crying, but it allowed me to heal myself on a completely different level. I sat down and wrote a letter to the 20 something year old me that suffered through the trauma. I had written letters of forgiveness to a few other people in my life (without the intent of ever sending them) that helped me let go of resentment towards them. This is where the idea came from. Whoa. THIS was transformational for me. I spoke directly to her, allowing my heart to break even more . . . for myself and for her.
In the letter, I apologized to her for the hurt she had to experience. I told her that it wasn’t her fault. I acknowledged that she did her best. I thanked her A LOT for all that she did to protect me so I could continue living my life. I told her how much I loved and admired her. I released her from any responsibility. I let her know that her work was done. I told her to rest because I’m handling things now. It made me weep. I wept while writing it and I wept some more when I read it back. It was powerful. That piece of me needed to hear all of these things so I could let go of my shame and guilt.
Am I fully healed from it all? Not fully, but mostly. The healing work shall continue. I feel that whatever needs my attention next will unfold itself in the right time. And when it does, I will be prepared to address it because I’m more self-aware and paying attention. All the work I’ve done has cracked me wide open and completely changed me at the core. What has changed the most about me? I am more vulnerable. Vulnerability was my enemy because I felt that it would always lead to hurt and betrayal. Now it’s my very close friend. It has made everything in my world, including my relationship to myself and others, that much better. While everyone’s healing journey will look different, taking some pages out of my book could be very helpful for yours. Especially if you have no clue where to start.
It is believed that more than 40% of women have suffered from some form of sexual trauma. Who knows what the actual percentage really is . . . mainly because we suffer in silence. If this is you, know that you must find a way to address this. Trust me, I know how scary that sounds. But I promise it’s affecting your life more than you realize. It’s going to be hard as hell, but you were made to do hard things, honey! The path to the other side of healing is worth it. The pain and discomfort getting there will be temporary. Do this for you. Do it for the people around you. Humans weren’t meant to hold on to this kind of trauma forever. Let this be your sign to do the work so you can let it go and move on with your life in a healthy and loving way. If you don’t know where to start or need someone to walk with you, I would love to help. If you just want to vent to someone who gets it, reach out to me. I will be your listening ear. I am here to offer or help you find whatever support you need. I understand where you are and know how you feel.
