25 Things I've Learned About Being a Mama *So Far*
Look, I’m only 2 years and 4 months into Motherhood (trust me, the months matter). I know I still have a buttload more to learn, but I want to honor where I am in my journey. I feel like each phase hits you with new insights, and honestly, that should never end. Since I use January through March to go even more inward, I reflected on this question, “What have I learned about being a Mama so far?” This blog won’t cover everything, because there is so much. As I sat down to type, I decided to cap it at 25 so what you’ll read is what flowed out of me first. In no particular order, I share them below.
This is for the veteran Mamas who want to reflect with me or gain some added perspective. This is also for the new Mamas who are looking forward to all the learning that’s ahead. It’s even for the women who want to become a Mama and are intrigued about what another Mama learned her first 2 years. Wherever you are in your journey, I hope you pull something out that supports you. My Mama heart sees yours.
1. Unconditional love is the most important thing he needs from me. He needs to know that I love him, and will love him, no matter what he says and does . . . and that nothing will ever change that.
2. How I speak to him will become part of his inner voice. This is the voice we hear inside our heads that tells us everything we are and everything we are not. Because of this, I need to choose my words and my tone carefully. I know the importance of healthy and positive self-talk, so I want to help him cultivate this early. Will I be perfect at this? Absolutely not (see #10). Will I still lose my temper? Unfortunately, yes (I am human). Which leads me to the next one . . .
3. I must apologize to him when I mess up . . . every time. I am the elder and the one he’s learning from. If I can’t take responsibility for my shit, then how will he learn to do that for himself? It’s crucial to show him that when I make mistakes, I do my best to not only learn from them, but repair any wrongdoing against someone else.
4. Surrender is necessary. I just cannot control everything–the mess he makes while playing, how much food he eats, what he will find interesting, when he will “first” talk or use the potty, etc. Nor should I want to. It’s in these moments grasping for control that I have missed the beautiful moment right in front of me. And I don’t want to do that because they go by really fast.
5. If I do not prioritize time and energy to take care of myself, it affects how I show up for him. I have finally accepted that I need more rest, recharging, and self-care than I did in my younger years. The hustle life is not the life for me in this phase (and I am no longer mad about it). I say “no” to things so I can give this to myself. And when I do, I am such a better Mama. And when it slips, he and I both suffer. I don’t like how I feel in those moments either. I know he deserves my best self, and I can only give that to him when I step away and nurture myself.
6. I must protect my child from “the wild”. These are the words of my dear friend, Jessie. I understood them while I was pregnant, but I FELT them after he was born. As she says, “the wild” is everything outside of your home (homebase). It’s MY responsibility to set him up with the foundational things he will use as he ventures out into the world. In these formattable years, I’m keeping him close and building that bond so he knows homebase (and the people in it) will always be a safe place for him to return. Jessie emphasizes that a safe and peaceful homebase will allow him to relax and recharge so when steps out into the wild, he is ready and prepared. Lastly, I cannot forget the wild is full of predators, so I must stay vigilant. This includes choosing wisely who spends time with him.
7. I know, better than anyone else on this planet, what is best for him. My husband will agree. And my husband is next in line. I will never doubt this, nor will I ever allow anyone else to tell me otherwise. My intuition is super strong and I trust it will never lead me astray. My ultimate goal is to connect him to his intuition, so that one day HE will take over this role and I can support him along the way.
8. I have to let him teach me things (especially about myself). And this can’t happen unless I remain open. He does things that trigger me that don't necessarily trigger my husband. This is because it’s hitting a part of me that needs to be healed. I pay attention to these so I can dig in and work on them . . . because the last thing I want to do is pass that shit down to him. P.S. I know this to be true because as I’ve worked on them, I get triggered less and less. And that feels some kind of good.
9. Teaching him about emotions is one of the most significant things I can do. Emotions are something every human being has all day, every day. And when we can’t control (or we ignore) the negative ones, bad things can happen. Most of us weren’t taught that our emotions are normal or how to manage them correctly. This is why we all act like fucking toddlers when we experience negative emotions. BUT if I can give him this gift, he can walk through the world understanding what he’s feeling, learn how to address it in a healthy way, adapt to stressful situations, and cope with life’s ups and downs.
10. There is no way to be perfect, nor is there room for it. He will learn best from my “humanness”. Coming from a perfectionist, this is hard. However, I want him to live a life that isn’t overshadowed by always getting it “right”.
11. My goal is NOT: don’t fuck him up at all . . . because the reality is that I will fuck him up some. My goal is: fuck him up the least amount possible for me. I am a human who is still on my self-discovery journey. I have things that aren’t fully healed or haven’t come into my awareness yet! These things will affect him. I am a way better Mama to him than I would have been in my 20s and 30s, so I choose to celebrate my progress. Also, he is a unique human that has a very specific set of needs, and there is no way that I (or any one person) can fulfill all of them. Some things will slip through the cracks! Even though it will pain me to know what those are one day, I will apologize. I will do my best to explain where I came from and how I worked to improve. I want him to know the importance of always striving to be and do better. I am doing the best I can with what I know at the moment. And as I learn more, about myself and about him, I will do better. I hope he will learn to do the same.
12. I am not just a Mama . . . I am also a woman, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and Coach. I need for him to see that he is my priority AND that I have a life outside of him. I do not want him to identify with one single thing, role, job, person, etc.
13. I have unlocked a new level of tired. But somehow, I still find a way to get it done. My mental capacity has been tested and in response, it has expanded. In the Netflix show Lessons in Chemistry, when Elizabeth said she couldn’t be a Mama, Harriet Sloane replied, “No one can do it. And then you expand. You think you can’t do it and you do it anyway. That’s called being a mother.” Indeed.
14. I’m doing my best and my best is enough. Every day my best looks different, but every day my best is sufficient for him.
15. I no longer use the phrase, “I can’t wait until . . . '' (especially when referring to him). If we're talking about this in a literal sense, this means that I wish away everything that’s currently happening, and will happen, because I cannot wait for this future moment to be the present. Are you following me? The moment that comes after “until” can wait. And I can be present and appreciate life until then. My words are powerful so I try *my best* to use them carefully.
16. I had to let old parts of myself wither away to make room for the new parts. While I was sitting in my bed 2 weeks after I gave birth, my friend, Allyson, told me that I was stepping into Lindsay 3.0. It will always stick with me. Lindsay 2.0 wasn’t a Mama so I can’t operate from that place. My freedom, control, money, body, priorities, sleep, schedule, mental capacity, work, and relationships all look different now. Once I stopped resisting and fully accepted this, I was able to welcome the new version. And let me tell you what, she is a force to be reckoned with. Badass is an understatement.
17. I can’t do it all. I’ve learned to choose the things that are most important to me and really stay consistent with them. When it gets hard, I remind myself of the “why” I’m trying to achieve in the long term. These will be different for every Mama. For example, preparing whole foods, keeping him on a sleep schedule, independent play (without tv or screens), and limiting sugar are my current choices. I have moments where it gets overwhelming, but when I return to my why, I push through.
18. It’s okay if he loses his shit when he doesn’t get his way. I don’t like it when I don’t get my way either, but I have a fully developed brain that can process and rationalize this information. He doesn’t. It’s my job to help his brain begin to develop these skills in a healthy way. This looks like providing a safe space to allow his emotion to run its course. This looks like waiting until his body regulates until I explain why he can’t have his way. It’s my job to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself or someone else while he’s upset. It’s not my job to shut him up, invalidate him, take on his emotion, fix his emotion, or give him what he wants. THIS took a while for me to piece together. But when I do this properly, it works like a charm and he moves through his tantrums very quickly.
19. When we’re together, my presence with him is all he wants. Literally. He cares about nothing else. I’m not able to do this 100% of the time, but when I do, it gives me the greatest joy. Those moments are etched in my memory . . . and I guarantee they will be etched in his too.
20. Mom guilt is very real . . . and normal. It hits me in waves. Sometimes I desperately need time away, but when I take it, I feel like a piece of shit. Sometimes after I put him to bed, I think about everything I wish I would’ve done better. Sometimes I count the minutes before he goes to bed, and after he’s asleep, I feel terrible for rushing it. Guess what guilt is? An emotion. So just like any other emotion, it needs to process through my body. I try to just sit with the guilt, feel it, and talk myself through the situation. For example, I tell myself, “It’s okay for me to take breaks AND it’s okay to miss him while I’m taking that break.”
21. Everything is temporary. Nothing lasts forever. This actually became my Mama mantra. When I’m feeling tired, sad, annoyed, frustrated, or mad, I just remind myself that this feeling, this day, this phase, and whatever is making me feel this way is temporary. It won’t be like this forever. Soon enough, I will be back to more positive things. It helps me hang in there. Adversely, those reeeeeally joyful and wonderful moments, I try to soak them up as much as I can. Because they are also temporary. And once they’re gone, they’re gone forever.
22. A shower just hits differently these days. If you know, you know.
23. It’s really fucking hard. Like the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve been challenged in ways I’ve never imagined. My workload has increased by A LOT. My brain never stops–which is why taking intentional breaths and meditation is crucial because the brain needs forced moments of pause. I don’t always feel appreciated. But along with the hard, I experience shades of joy, love, and presence that I’ve never experienced before. For example, when he comes over to hug and kiss me for no reason, his laugh over the silliest thing, his gentle stroke of my face as I’m rocking him to sleep, when he says my name in gratitude or excitement, any and every time he smiles, or when he seeks comfort in my arms. There are subjective feelings that are evoked that I truly believe you don’t experience UNLESS you are a parent. And that . . . is fucking priceless.
24. He is one of a kind and so is his journey. I cannot compare him, including what he does and doesn’t do, to any other child. Society does enough to beat us down with comparison and I’ll be damned if I add to it. It pressures us to be like everyone else, do things we don’t want, and ignore what we truly desire, all in the name of fitting in. I want him to learn to listen to himself, not everyone else.
25. EVERY MAMA IS ONE OF A KIND AND SO IS HER JOURNEY. We cannot compare ourselves, including what we do and don’t do, to any other Mama. Our journeys look different and that’s really beautiful. We can use our strengths to support each other, and we can also learn from each other's strengths. Help me do more of this. Because we are better and stronger together.
