How to Properly Set Boundaries For the Holidays
Is anyone else tired of hearing the word “boundary”? I know I am. Unfortunately, it seems people are hyper aware because we’re waking up to our extreme lack of them. However, because they’re effective, that word is here to stay. So if you haven’t jumped on the boundary train, hop aboard! One of the best perfect times to practice them is during the holidays, which are right around the corner.
So what in the hell is a boundary? By definition, they are the limits we set with other people, which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behavior towards us. But this is the way I like to describe boundaries: Imagine you’re in a beautiful room enclosed with a plethora of walls (one door and no windows). Inside those walls is you at your best self. On the outside of those walls is everything that encourages and triggers your anti-self—prevents you from being your best self. Those walls keep all the bad shit out. Inside the walls is calm, peaceful and happy.
When you notice that someone or something is keeping you from being your best self, you put up a wall—aka a boundary. That boundary blocks whatever is coming in from contaminating your best self. A boundary is something you put in place to ensure that only the things that keep you at your best self are inside that room. If you don’t have walls/boundaries, everything is a free for all. Your best self and anti-self do not have separate spaces. Your anti-self has free reign over your best self and inner peace. The walls/boundaries ensure the separation.
No one triggers you more than your family! This is because these are the people who helped create and set up the very buttons they push. We spent our foundational years with them and they were present while our beliefs were forming, insecurities were arising, mistakes were made, etc. They helped shape us into the people we are now. Your brain was not fully formed as a child, so when a big situation happened with one of them, you weren’t able to process it like an adult would. Your body became overwhelmed with the way you were feeling in that moment. You did whatever you needed to do to protect or defend yourself. This is typically a behavior that matches your age at the time. It’s not always a rational behavior because remember, you’re a child. Whenever something happens that evokes that same big feeling in the future, it acts as a reminder in your body. It’s a reminder that you don’t like what is happening at that moment so you do that same behavior that helps you protect or defend yourself. And as this gets reinforced over and over again throughout your life, this go-to behavior becomes a subconscious habit (especially if it works). Stay with me.
A trigger is an instinctive and immediate reaction to a feeling/experience from the past. When a family member does something (intentionally or unintentionally) that evokes that same feeling, the part of you that gets triggered is your inner child. She is so familiar with tending to this feeling that she jumps into the driver’s seat and takes over. She repeats that same behavior you used back in the day to protect and defend herself (it is now a subconscious habit). This usually happens so fast that you barely have an opportunity to realize it, much less change it. Have you noticed that you literally act like a child or a teenager?? This is why. You are not behaving from your present day self, you are behaving from that childhood part of yourself. Make sense?
Without self-awareness and change from everyone involved, the dynamic in our families stays the same. Not everyone wants to do their work, honey. This is why it keeps happening in family settings. Lots of big feelings come up in the presence of people with whom we spent our childhoods. Since we haven’t become proficient in how to navigate it, and we might not ever, this is where boundaries come in.
A boundary is useful in this situation because it can help prevent the trigger and reaction from happening completely or it can lessen the severity of them. That’s what we want! So we can enjoy the time with our families. I’ll give you examples of boundaries to set below. Before you come up with the one(s) you want to implement this year, look back at past holidays and see if there are any patterns. Does one person, topic of conversation, phrase, or behavior set you off? If you can identify it, you will be more prepared. After reading this, your awareness will be heightened at this year’s holiday festivities. The awareness will allow you to be more diligent with your boundaries. It will also help you catch the triggers you forgot about or that might appear for the first time. . . so you can set new boundaries for next time.
** Keep in mind that there is a responsibility that comes from gained insight and awareness. The other person doesn’t have this golden knowledge, so they don’t have an excuse. But you do. So you have to be the one who puts your knowledge to use and sets the example. This might mean being the bigger person. If this is hard for you, you will have to learn to shut that ego down and operate from a more healed place if you want things to look different. If your behavior hasn’t changed, they’re going to think, “She’s doing all this work, but she hasn’t changed one bit. I’m not going to waste my time working on anything. What’s the point?” Your goal is to be someone who inspires. You want people to see the changes in you so they will WANT to look inward and make some changes themselves. **
What do you do when you feel triggered? We can set a boundary before we get triggered or we can set them in the moment to keep ourselves from getting triggered further. Here are some examples. Just take them and apply them to your situation.
Before we get triggered:
Take breaks often. Step away to breathe deeply. Walk outside, go into a different room, or hit the bathroom. Reset and recharge to keep from getting overstimulated.
Just say no. If something doesn’t feel good or isn’t within your bandwidth, kindly decline. Don’t take on something that you know will stress you out or lead to regret later.
Be willing to disappoint someone and be prepared for pushback. Stay connected to what YOU need in the moment, not what you need to do to please someone else. Remember that you don’t have to explain yourself or your boundaries to anyone. They are not for them to understand, they are for them to respect. And if someone is having a problem respecting it, it’s validation that your boundary is needed.
Make a rule that you will not engage in an aggressive or hostile way. Shut the conversation down by staying silent, staring back at them with a confused face, responding with one word like “Ouch”, “Really?”, or “Wow”, or simply walk away.
Limit your alcohol around the people that trigger you. Some of you are going to HATE this one. “But Lindsay, I need it to deal with them!” Sure, but you’re also more likely to go off and act a fool if you have too much. I didn’t say you can’t drink at all, just don’t overindulge so you can keep your whits.
Before you arrive, set a reasonable departure time and/or designate certain things as signs to leave. If you know you can reasonably only spend 3 hours with your family, follow through and leave at the 3 hour mark. If you know that board games trigger fights, make that your cue to leave. If Uncle John picks on you when he switches from beer to whiskey, leave when you see him pour his first glass.
While in the moment:
Someone brings up a topic or conversation that makes you feel some kind of way —> You can set a physical boundary: remove yourself from the conversation completely. Make yourself physically unavailable.
You have several places to visit, and there’s one family member who intentionally cooks late so you have to stay later —> You can set a time and energy boundary: let the family member know that you have to leave at a certain time and stick to it . . . even if that means you don’t get to eat there. Make your time and energy unavailable after a specific length of time.
That person who doesn’t respect your belongings —> You can set a material boundary and hide your things away or tell them that you didn’t bring it. Make your material things unavailable.
That person that always dumps their problems on you —> You can set an emotional boundary and lovingly say something like, “I’m sorry you’re struggling. I don’t feel like I can give you my full attention today. Can we talk about this at another time?” Make your emotions unavailable.
If someone tries to cut you down —> You can set a mental boundary and respond with something like, “Sounds like you’re starting some shit that I’m about to finish”, and then just walk away or leave. Make yourself mentally unavailable.
What else do I need to know about boundaries? Maybe you can use those examples exactly or maybe they will help you craft your own boundaries. Either way, there’s something I want you to keep in mind. A lot of people are turned off because they think that boundaries are used to “punish” the other person and that is simply not true. It may FEEL like that to the other person and there is nothing you can do to prevent that. However, it is not your responsibility to fix someone else’s feelings—they are responsible for their own feelings and you are yours. Boundaries are for protecting your internal world. To protect your peace and keep you feeling at ease. That’s it.
Lastly, not all boundaries have to be discussed with the other person. Actually, some can be set without you telling them. For example, let’s say your Mama likes to call you drunk in the evenings. Every time she calls, she gets nasty and you fight. Instead of telling her, you just stop answering her calls past a certain time. Your boundary is in place, your peace is protected, and no one knows but you.
You deserve peace. I hope this sheds some light on the boundary making process for you. It doesn’t have to be complicated! It might be scary because you’re not sure how others will react. But remember that you have no control over that nor should you try to control it. When you feel that your peace will be disrupted OR that it is in the process of being disrupted, set the boundary. You have a right to do what’s in your control to keep your internal world a peaceful one. Happy, happy holidays to you and yours!
