Taking Responsibility For My Shit
In the last few years, I’ve been on a self healing journey. I really want to share it all with you . . . but it’s a lot. So I’ll slowly unfold it piece by piece. Today is the start of that. I’m about to bust it wide open.
I'm one strong ass bitch. I’ve been through some stuff and handled it all like a boss. I’m really proud of that. When I look back, I realize I overcame it like I did because I was leading with my masculine energy. It was extremely dominant and aggressive. I saw vulnerability as a weakness. I didn’t let a lot of people in. If I chose to let you in, I let you in ALL the way. You became a part of my circle. And lemme tell you, I go above and beyond for people in my circle. Unfortunately, if you hurt me (regardless if you were in or out), you’d better watch the hell out. Revenge was my forte and I went for the jugular. My goal was to hurt you way more than you hurt me. That’s what hurt people do, they hurt other people. There are obviously situations I could have handled differently. But at the time, that was all I knew.
What I know now is that within every interaction, there was a lesson to learn. I’ve learned from every single person I’ve engaged with. But holy shit . . . it took TIME. It took awareness and acknowledgement. It took admitting I was wrong and that I could do and be better. That’s part of what this life is all about; learning from experience so you can become a more evolved and mature adult.
I’ll admit I get frustrated with some of the “cancel culture” that’s floating around. Don’t get me wrong, I realize there are justified cases. Some people dig their graves and have to lie in them. But there have been some instances where a person who made shitty mistakes back in the day get labeled “bad” or “damaged” with no chance of improvement. They’re tossed back into society to continue making the same mistakes. What if someone showed them a little grace and said, “Hey, it’s clear that you don’t know about xyz, but I’m willing to teach you. I’m fortunate enough to have made similar mistakes when social media wasn’t a thing. I was able to use it to better myself and you can do the same.” Just what if? Anyways, I digress.
Like I’ve mentioned before, I was a porty girl. Porty is party with an “o”. It’s a party at the highest level. I loved to have a good time and substances were always involved. I wasn’t an addict. I took care of my priorities and then “treated” myself with alcohol and drugs to let loose, rage, and have fun. Sometimes it enhanced my best qualities. Other times it brought out my worst. My alter ego’s name is Trixie and she often made an appearance. Everyone loves her (except for Bobby). She’s the life of the porty but also a very big handful. I had a lot of fun during that time of my life, but I also made a lot of mistakes. I said and did some things to people that I’m not proud of. Bad things happened to me and I blamed myself for the longest time. There was a lot of guilt I had to work through. Regardless, it’s a part of who I am and the lessons I learned are priceless. These days, I still have fun and porty on occasion . . . but it looks so very different. Trixie’s presence is rare. Redefining my relationship with alcohol and partying is an entirely different chapter. That’s for my next blog.
Even when I wasn’t partying, I was still a young woman trying to find her place in the world. I said and did things that are not in line with who I am NOW. I hurt myself. I hurt other people. I allowed people to hurt me. I totally had opinions (based on my past experiences) that have since changed and evolved. If I was judged based on some shit I believed, did, or said in the past, it would be a complete misinterpretation of who I am now. My work has helped me develop into an even more beautiful version of Lindsay. I’m so very grateful. I’m healing myself. I’m forgiving myself. I’m loving myself despite my missteps. I’m living proof that you can learn how to be better. I know who I am and she’s fucking amazing. A lot of people agree. To those who don’t . . . hey, you’re entitled to your opinion. But you’re missing out. Just saying.
This next paragraph is for anyone that had an unfavorable experience with me.
(This goes for everyone except for one woman . . . her name starts with an “R” and Karma is currently having her way with “R” because of the way she treated me. Yeah, I said it. I’ll never stop keeping it real.)
I acknowledge that I may have hurt and/or disrespected you. I apologize for the version of me you engaged with when we crossed paths on that part of my journey. I was growing, learning, and not my best. Thank you for being a teaching tool. From our interaction, I learned something very valuable about myself. It eventually taught me how to be better. I live by Maya Angelou’s quote, “When you know better, you do better.” I may not have known how to do it better back then, but I know better now. I’ve thought about our interaction, accepted my part, forgiven myself, and corrected what I can to improve my interactions with others in the future. While I still have some work to do, I do not sit around blaming everyone else for my part. By admitting the wrongdoings from my past, I hope it will inspire others to do the same. I hope it gives them permission to let go, move forward, and start healing themselves. We’re all in charge of healing ourselves. No one can do that for you. Taking responsibility for MY shit has been a game changer.
These days, I’m more in touch with my feminine energy. I’m much softer. And more compassionate. I’ve always been unapologetically me and that will remain the same. People still get the real, honest, raw, fun, and confident Lindsay they count on, but I’m more approachable. It’s made a difference in how people receive me. I will still check you, but I’m more quick to admit and apologize when I’m wrong. I still tell it like it is, but in a more gracious way. I’m still here to listen, but I listen to hear and understand you. I think before I react. Better yet, I try to choose how I want to respond. I don’t seek revenge, I let Karma sort it out. (Lemme tell you what . . . it’s far more gratifying) I am not perfect and that will never be my goal. But I am waaaaayyy better. I am the best version of myself right now.
Vulnerability is my new normal. For me, vulnerability is consciously choosing NOT to hide my emotions, thoughts, desires, and opinions from others. Vulnerability is being open and transparent. Unfortunately, this means putting myself in a position to be rejected. It’s risky. But true vulnerability includes being willing to accept these consequences no matter what. The benefits? It enhanced my self-worth. It helped me build empathy and compassion. It increased my self-awareness and personal accountability. It allowed for even deeper and more meaningful connections with people. It opened me up to growth. That’s the gooooood shit in life. Give me more of all of that, please.
It’s easy to ignore and deny your mistakes. It’s hard as shit to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is not weakness, it’s strength. It’s hard to open up your heart and say, “Yeah, I fucked up. I’m a human and I’ve made some really bad mistakes. I was wrong. I didn’t handle that the way I should have. I’m going to try and do better”. But what’s so crazy is that ALL of us have been there. To go through life blaming everyone else and not taking ownership for YOUR part in it is dangerous. Trust me, you have a part. The way you react to others is a reflection of you, not them. All that hurt, guilt, anger, and resentment is swirling around inside of you. And whether you know it or not, it’s affecting you and in turn, affecting those around you. I can tell you from experience. Let me reiterate that the decision to let go, move forward, and heal from your past and your hurt is your choice. There are lots of resources out there that can help you. I just happen to be one of them. But you have to make the choice to be vulnerable. You have to be the one to put in the work. Since reflecting on the past brought up so many emotions for me, it was on me to rectify things in my mind, heart, and soul. This is just part of my work. And a part of my self healing journey.
