My 5 Rules For Better Listening
What does every human genuinely desire? To be HEARD. Listening is the number one way we can show up for our fellow humans and fulfill that desire. When you listen, you’re giving that person something very valuable—your time. You’re acknowledging what they have to say is important because they matter to you. How many of you forget someone’s name the second after they tell you? Raise your damn hand. We’re all guilty. It’s frustrating as hell when someone can’t remember your name! This is one little example of how you THINK you’re listening to someone, but you’re really not. Genuine listening ensures understanding, improves relationships, resolves disagreements, builds trust, helps you gain knowledge and information, and makes the other person feel valued.
But listening, true active listening, is hard as hell. It’s a skill. And just like any other skill, you must practice it in order to become better. We all feel a little unheard these days. Therefore, we’ll do anything to get our point across. That often involves not listening to the other person and reiterating our point over and over again. For example, do you remember the last time you were in an argument? Tensions were high and emotions were flowing. You had something you were trying to get the other person to understand and vice versa. You argued your point with every ounce of your heart. When they responded, it wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t what you wanted to hear and it’s not validating you and your point. You ask yourself, “Are they even listening to me??!” Your frustration grew. You only heard a few words of what they said because you were preparing your next move. You talked louder. You said the same thing 15 different ways. You felt your opinion so deeply and you couldn’t believe they didn’t care. You wanted to prove that you’re right and they’re wrong. Does any of it sound familiar? Now ask yourself what you REALLY wanted from it.
An argument escalates because both people feel like their words are falling on deaf ears and their feelings are being dismissed. Friends, when you dive into conversations involving conflicting viewpoints, you’re not going to convince the other person to change their mind and they aren’t going to change yours. THAT SHOULDN’T BE YOUR GOAL. If it is, change your goal because you'll be disappointed over and over again. The goal is to understand what the other person thinks or feels and why, and for them to reciprocate that back to you. What you REALLY want is for them to listen, comprehend what you’re saying, and empathize with it so you can negotiate a solution or mutual understanding you’re both satisfied with. Imagine if you could walk away feeling like that after every conversation! It’s not possible unless you step up your listening game. Here are my 5 rules to becoming a better listener.
1. Stop talking. You cannot listen if you are talking. It’s very basic but extremely powerful. When someone is talking, be quiet and let them finish. Don’t interrupt them. By interrupting, you’re telling the other person that what you have to say is more important. Zip your lips.
2. Pay attention. Focus on what the other person is saying. Even if it’s interesting, your mind might wander. That’s what minds do. When it happens, gently shake off the thought and bring your attention back to their words. If you’re lost, it’s okay to admit that you got distracted. Ask them to repeat! If you’re doing something else while they’re talking, stop doing it. You can’t really focus on more than one thing at once, and multitasking is a sure way to miss what they’re saying. Those missed words can lead to misunderstanding. Just like you want someone to be present with you, show them the same respect.
3. Keep an open mind. Don’t judge or criticize what the other person is telling you. Become curious instead. I know you think your beliefs are accurate, but guess what . . . so do they. Who are you to go all Judge Judy on them? News flash: just because you believe something to your core doesn’t make it right. It may be YOUR reality, but it might not be the reality of everyone else. Find out why they think that way. Share your why. Keeping an open mind is how you learn new things and really get to know someone better.
4. Don’t prepare what you’re going to say next. If you walk away with only one rule, let this be the one. It’s the difference between “listening to understand” and “listening to respond”. Once your mind wanders to how you want to respond, you’re MISSING the rest of what the other person is saying. You have no idea how they’re going to finish their thought. And by the time they’re done talking, you’re actually responding to what they said up until the point you dipped out of the conversation. The latter part is what requires the response! Once you let go of planning what to say next and listen to every word they say, you will naturally produce your response. When that happens, the conversation will just flow.
5. Practice. No one is a perfect listener. I still find myself slipping. The human brain has been conditioned to move from one thing to the next and to do so very quickly. Now that I’m very intentional about listening, I recognize more easily when I interrupt or find my mind wandering in conversation. When it happens, practice (and meditation) has allowed for smoother transitions back to more active listening. Practice in conversations with loved ones. You can also practice when you first meet someone. When someone tells you their name, LISTEN. Look them in the eye and say their name back to them, “Pleasure to meet you, Luci.” As the conversation ends, say their name one more time, “Have a great rest of your day, Luci!” Remembering someone’s name will feel really good to you, but even better to them.
Get more curious about what another human has to say. You could gain a new perspective and possibly expand your knowledge about them or the topic at hand. If you don’t agree with what they’re saying, IT’S OKAY. Sometimes it’s less about agreeing and more about showing interest and respect. Believe it or not, lots of people who don’t agree have very cordial dialogue. Next time you’re in a conversation where you don’t agree,
set aside your desire to push your agenda
say to them, “I don’t agree, but I’m curious as to why you feel/think that way. Tell me more.”
LISTEN intently to what they say next
More than likely you still won’t agree, but you might understand more about their viewpoint—why they think that way or where they come from. That understanding might give you more clarity on your stance. You might see them for WHO they are (a human that is a product of their environment) not for WHAT they believe. We’re all humans trying to navigate this crazy life the best we can. If we start listening more and talking less in conversations, compassion will grow. We might not always agree, but we can always listen. Do your part.
