Forgiveness of Yourself and Others: Part 2
(While part 2 is focused on forgiveness of ourselves, I’ll be revisiting a couple of things I originally wrote about in part 1. If you didn’t read it, please make sure and do so—it was about forgiveness of others.)
Why do we have a hard time forgiving ourselves? Here are a few reasons:
We don’t think we deserve it
We feel guilty so we think we need to keep punishing ourselves
We think if we forgive, it means we’re letting ourselves off the hook
In order to forgive, we have to revisit what happened and that’s far too painful
We think if we forgive, we might forget and do it again
We would rather deny our responsibility so forgiveness isn’t even an option
People have a harder time forgiving themselves because we hold ourselves to a higher standard. This makes sense because we have more control over when we fuck up. However, we’re not exempt from the process of making mistakes and learning from them in life.
What’s my definition of forgiveness? This is worth repeating. For me, forgiveness is acceptance of a hurtful happening, letting go of thoughts that anything can be different, and surrendering to all the emotions it caused so you can restore your inner peace. When you do something that hurts yourself or someone else, it triggers feelings of shame, guilt, and regret. These negative emotions can weigh heavily and cause internal chaos. It’s overwhelming to feel all those feelings while navigating the coulda, woulda, shoulda thoughts. Ultimately, you identify with one of the reasons above and end up stuck in a place where you can’t forgive yourself.
Why should you practice self-forgiveness? It offers many benefits. If it didn’t, people might not feel the need to even mess with it! Here are just a few:
It’s an opportunity for you to take responsibility for your words and actions—this can make you feel empowered and relieve guilt
You’ll gain healthier relationships with others
You grow and evolve each time you do it
You are nurturing the most important relationship in your life—the one with yourself
It will teach you how to forgive others more easily
You will gain better mental and emotional well-being
Greater acceptance of yourself (and the fact that you make mistakes and it’s okay)
You will learn to cultivate compassion and empathy
What’s my secret weapon for self-forgiveness? A quote by Maya Angelou, “When you know better, you do better”.
At the time of your mistake, there was something you should’ve done better, right? Well, if you knew what that something was, don’t you think you would’ve done it? Probably so.
And if you DID know better, did you also know that your action would produce the outcome that’s making you feel so bad? Probably not.
But now you know . . . so you can do better next time.
Your past self did the best she could. She didn’t have as much life experience or wisdom. And thanks to your past self, your present and future self have the option of not making the same dumb ass mistakes. Your past self is always setting up your present and future self for success. So give your past self a little credit for weathering the storms. That version of you deserves a pat on the back.
What’s the ultimate goal of self-forgiveness? When someone hurts you, it can lead to resentment towards them. When it’s you who hurts someone (or yourself), that can lead to critical thoughts and feelings about yourself. Ultimately, you can end up believing there’s something wrong with you as a person. This disrupts your inner peace because whenever you think about the situation, you immediately beat yourself up. Your goal with forgiving yourself should always be focusing on restoring your inner peace with self-compassion.
Self-compassion is responding to yourself with kindness and understanding when you’re struggling with thoughts and feelings of inadequacy. It’s important when your thoughts become negative or critical to treat yourself the same way you would another human being. Stop and ask the question, “Would I say this to someone I care about? Would I treat someone I love like this?” Show yourself the same grace you would someone else that’s important in your life.
How do I forgive myself? Once again, the answer to this is different for everyone. But as long as your goal is focused more on showing self-compassion for your past self so you feel more at peace and less on beating yourself up, punishing yourself, or avoiding your responsibility in the situation altogether, you may get there in your own time.
Here are some steps that can help you:
Allow yourself to be sad, disappointed, and frustrated. Negative emotions are a very normal part of making a mistake. It’s okay to have them and even more okay to feel them. Do whatever you need to do to allow them to come up and come out. They need a proper exit from the body. If you push them away, they will come back up later and stall your progress. You’ll just continue to recycle these negative emotions.
Accept it and apologize. You fucked up. It may or may not have been all your fault . . . but you must own whatever part was yours. Take a deep breath and then take responsibility. Apologize—whether that’s to someone else or to yourself. The person you hurt deserves a concise, specific, and heartfelt apology. Do not follow it with a “but”. For example, “I apologize for losing my temper.” Think apologizing to yourself is dumb? Well that tells me that you’ve never done it. Don’t knock it until you try it.
Try compassion. Remember Maya Angelou’s quote, “When you know better, you do better.” That version of you did the best she could with the information and experience she had at the time. Now that you know better, you can better next time! A little compassion helps you see yourself for what you are . . . a human being that’s not perfect. This is probably not the first mistake you’ve made, and it most certainly won’t be the last. Be easy on yourself, this life is hard enough!
Give yourself permission to fucking let it go. Your past self has already beat herself up enough. Hopefully by this point, you’ve felt the feelings, learned what to do differently, set an intention to do better, apologized, and showed yourself the grace and compassion you deserve for falling short. You’ve done enough. . . so let it go.
Set boundaries. Figure out what might help you not make that same mistake. Put boundaries in place to help you. Does someone or some place trigger you to re-offend? Minimize your time with them or stop going there. Does alcohol lend a hand in it? Handle that business.
Write your past self a letter of forgiveness. You’re not the same person you were when you made the mistake, so address your past self as “you” and your present self as “I”. Reassure your past self that she did the best she could, apologize to her for having to endure the pain, thank her, tell her that you forgive her, and share with her what you learned from the experience that made you a better person. Tell her that you love her and that you release her of the burden. This works, trust me.
Even though you made a mistake, you’re not a bad person. Hear me when I say this . . . there is nothing wrong with you. You are not a bad person. You’re a person who did a bad thing. There’s a difference. Free yourself from the burden. True self-forgiveness allows you to separate yourself from the mistakes you’ve made in the past. Acknowledge yourself for wanting to do better. Love yourself enough to know you’re doing your best. Forgive yourself to restore your inner peace. Be kind to yourself throughout the entire process.
Change your perspective: your mistakes are meant to teach you, not to punish you.