7 Questions About Vulnerability Answered
How do I define vulnerability? For me, vulnerability is consciously choosing NOT to hide my emotions, thoughts, desires, truths, and opinions from others. It’s a transparency of myself that is REAL and RAW. It means I sacrifice my comfort and emotional safety in hopes of gaining true intimacy with someone else. . . but always with the possibility of being hurt or rejected. It’s uncertain and risky. But true vulnerability includes being willing to accept these consequences no matter what.
It allows me the space to be who I really am—without having to bullshit. To openly share what I think and feel from an honest and genuine place. To be seen, heard, and understood by the people that matter most.
Why are we so hesitant to be vulnerable? We were actually born with a natural instinct to be authentic and vulnerable. Think about the young children you know . . . they will tell you what they’re thinking and feeling without a concern of the consequence. However, as they grow and interact more with the world—parents, siblings, other children and adults, music, television, social media—they receive messages that make them question who they really are. They start to hide certain parts of themselves to fit in. They learn that some people and situations can lead to rejection and pain, so they do what they can to protect themselves from experiencing this. Most of the time, this protection extends to ALL or MOST people and situations (to cover their bases). If you do this for long enough, it becomes your normal and ultimately changes who you are. It’s also possible to forget what it feels like to be your true self because you’ve been disconnected from it for so long.
Is vulnerability a weakness? Absolutely not. It actually takes a lot of courage and strength. It’s easy to close yourself off and play the part to fit in. It’s hard as hell to open up your heart and say, “This is really who I am. Do you love and accept me . . flaws and all?” It’s simple to ignore and deny your mistakes. It’s difficult to say, “Yeah, I fucked up. I was wrong. I didn’t handle that the way I should have. I will try and do better”. Brenè Brown says, “Vulnerability is our most accurate way to measure courage, and we literally do that as researchers.” There’s not a person on the planet that would pair courage with weakness.
What are some examples of showing vulnerability?
Doing anything that might lead to rejection
Apologizing for your part in a situation
Allowing yourself to feel difficult emotions
Sharing with someone how you feel
Having deep conversations where you share personal information (that you normally wouldn’t)
Acknowledging mistakes you made in the past
Asking for help when you’re struggling
Setting healthy boundaries
Speaking your truth
Sharing a personal story that might help others
TRUSTING someone
How did it change my life? It enhanced my self-worth (living my life from an extremely honest and transparent space gives me loads of confidence in who I am and what I want). It helped me build empathy and compassion—for myself and others. It increased my self-awareness and personal accountability. It encouraged more meaningful connections with people. It opened me up to growth I didn’t know was possible. It allowed me to acknowledge, experience, and feel my emotions in a deeper way. It melted away my tough outer shell and allowed me to soften. When my hard ass softened . . . people noticed.
I’m talking about all the really GOOD shit we’re supposed to experience in this life. Shit I didn’t realize I was missing out on! Without a doubt, it made me better.
What’s the recipe to become vulnerable? Sarah Blondin broke it down so beautifully, “To begin softening, we must disarm. To disarm, we must let go. To let go, we must trust.”
Two of the main fears that steer us away from being vulnerable are 1) the fear of losing control and 2) the fear of being rejected (or not accepted). We spend so much time and energy maintaining the hard exterior that we’ve built to protect ourselves. In order to feel safe enough to relinquish that control, we have to soften. To soften, we must begin to disarm our protection. When we do this, we learn that we don’t need as much protection as we thought. Why? Because we’re not running around being vulnerable with anyone and everyone. We have a choice in the matter. We get to choose WHO we feel safe enough to be vulnerable with and WHEN we want to do it.
Once we make the choice to become vulnerable with a person, and we have disarmed our protection, we must then let go of what may or may not happen. How in the hell do we do that?? We trust. I’m not talking about trust in the other person (even though most of us automatically go there first). I’m talking about trust in OURSELVES. It’s a trust that no matter what happens, we will always be okay. A trust that we will take the steps to heal and carry on. A trust that no one can break us because we will always be able to give ourselves what we need to be whole. A trust that we don’t need validation from an outside source. A trust that we will choose as wisely as we can, but also learn from each one of those choices.
What happens if I’m vulnerable and I get hurt? I hate to tell you that this will most certainly happen in some capacity or another. Humans are not perfect and sometimes we hurt others—whether we intentionally or unintentionally mean to. Here’s what I can tell you . . . if you decide to close off and keep your hardened walls firmly intact, you MAY keep yourself from getting hurt. HOWEVER, you will surely miss out on all the amazing connections, relationships, and experiences that would develop.
If you choose to put yourself out there, you will surely get hurt and rejected sometimes. But you will learn from each person you choose to share yourself with . . . and you will sharpen and hone that skill so you choose more wisely over the years. You will form REAL, raw, and deep connections and relationships that will blow your mind and give you so much joy and love. You will learn that the people you formed those bonds with will love and accept you for exactly who you are. And the times you do get hurt, they will not only be a blip in your story, but they will be worth it. TRUST ME on this one. I’m speaking from personal experience.
